Why women stay
Why Do Women Stay in Abusive Relationships?
A common mistake in thinking about domestic violence is to scrutinise and evaluate the victim while over looking the behaviour, intentions and beliefs of the perpetrator. The question, “Why do women stay in violent relationships?” is secondary to “Why do men/women batter?” a question which places the blame
with the perpetrator, instead of with the victim. Often, we hear people say, “I’d never put up with that,” or, “If they ever did that to me, I’d just leave.” These assertions reflect a lack of understanding of the many forces at play in abusive relationships. The truth is most abused women are not free to leave at anytime. There are many risk factors, practical challenges needing to be over come, as well as emotional and psychological issues affecting abused women and their ability to leave an abusive relationship.
A few of these include:
- Financial dependency: Women financially dependent upon their abusers may be reluctant to leave when income support levels mean utter poverty for her and her children. Some women lack access to cash or bank accounts and even money management skills. Financial abuse is a major factor in violent relationships and it is not unusual for a woman to be given an ‘allowance’ each day, even in cases where the woman is earning an income. Never having had the opportunity to manage money, women in such a situation may be feeling intimidated at the thought of taking on this task or trying to relocate elsewhere with no real financial resources.
- Isolation: Leaving a violent relationship often means leaving the community where one grew up, which can be devastating for women, children, and their families and friends. This is especially a reality for women living in small communities. Children who may already be struggling academically and socially miss school in this case and lose connection with friends.
- Separation is the most dangerous time: Many, perhaps most, people believe that battered women will be safe once they leave the perpetrator. In fact, leaving rarely puts an end to the violence, often escalating it instead and is usually the most dangerous time for her, especially if he catches her in the act or tracks her down afterwards. Up to 75% of domestic assaults reported to police have happened after separation and nearly 75% of battered women seeking emergency medical services sustained their injuries after leaving the perpetrator. Finally, women are most likely to be murdered when attempting to report abuse or to leave an abusive relationship.
- Socialised values and beliefs: Cultural values, religious beliefs, societal and gender conditioning along with the marital vows they may have taken together can exert both external and internal pressure on women to stay in or return to abusive relationships. Many women are socialized to believe that they are responsible for making their marriage work. In some cultures failure to maintain the marriage equals failure as a woman and brings shame on the immediate and extended
family. - Denial, minimising and excusing: When abuse starts, women often react with shock, denial and a sense of disbelief, finding it hard to accept the abuser is making a conscious decision to be abusive. They try to rationalize their abuser’s behaviour by blaming stress, alcohol, problems at work, unemployment or other factors
- Lost self esteem, confidence and health: Self esteem and confidence levels in abused women are often so low that the idea of changing her life entirely may seem truly impossible. The woman may be physically and emotionally exhausted by the abuse and suffering from the effects to the degree that she has no psychologically energy to leave, resulting in a learned helplessness or psychological paralysis.
- Hope and love: Hope and love often keep women in violent relationships. During the reconciliation and honeymoon phase, the woman may feel positively reinforced and renewed love towards her abuser grasping on to a sense of hope. More than anything, she wants things to change and to believe his promises of reform.
The Cycle of Violence that repeats Itself West Christchurch Women’s Refuge works to break the cycle of violence for those seeking our help and support
Understanding the Cycle of Violence
The length of each phase varies between and within couples. Slowly, the honeymoon and calm phase fades and the couple move once again into the tension building. The cycle repeats itself, and overtime, the honeymoon phase usually shortens, while the tension building and outright violence phases lengthen.
Some people refer to it as a spiral of violence. When a victim is caught in the cycle or spiral of violence, she experiences many emotions. During the violent stage, she is often afraid of her partner. She knows better than anyone else what that person will do to her or her children if she tries to leave.
Once the violence is over and the couple is in the reconciliation and honeymoon phase, the woman may feel renewed love toward the abuser. The abuser is on his best behaviour, and the woman is reminded of all the qualities she loves in him. During the tension-building stage, the woman often grasps on to a sense of hope. More than anything, she wants things to change. She wants him to mean what he says – this time. Adding to the love, hope and fear, battered women often experience shame, embarrassment and isolation.
